Tell Me Why
by TheRogueParadox
Summary: Ed may have been through a lot, but he doesn't understand why people see him as the hero they do. Obviously, the best way to work through his thoughts and feelings is with a letter to Winry, even if he'd never dare send it. Post manga/brotherhood, implied Edwin.


**Well, this is something I wrote from a couple months ago or so. My profile seemed awfully bare and all, so I figured I might as well finally start posting. I've got a story in the works, but I guess I'm a little scared of how people will react to it, so I guess I'll see if I can work up to posting it. But whatever. I'll get on with it and let you read. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own agent000's way of formatting her author's notes. I'm sorry I happened to format them the same way. Huh? You want me to say something about FMA here? Uh... Ed is cool. There. **

Dear Winry,

Today you asked me why. Why did you need to go through all the pain you have? Why does anyone have to suffer like that? I tried my best to give you an answer, and it seemed to help, but I never told you through all of that how much it broke my heart.

I wish I knew better why people have to suffer like that. I wish I could tell you why, or, better yet, make it go away and stop hurting you. I wish I had a magic wand. It breaks my heart to see you cry like you did today.

I told you that people suffer like that in order to be able to protect others from ever having to go through that. That someone can't really help other people if they don't know what they're protecting other people from. I guess that's the curse of being a hero, you end up sacrificing yourself in the process. Ends and means, I suppose.

But what confused me through all of that was my relation to this. I guess that it's easy for me to see how you help others. How you've helped me and Al so much already. And how I know you'll never stop trying to help us, no matter what. But if people suffer through pain in order to be able to help others, to protect them, then why did I suffer? To help everyone?

Sometimes it's just so hard for me to see how I could be helpful to anyone. I mean, here I am, at five thirty in the morning, writing a letter to you because I have no better way to get my feelings out, and I can't sleep. Nightmares, I guess, though I can't remember. (It's sad when I consider it such a relief that I merely can't remember my nightmare, as compared to waking up in a cold sweat.) I bet that Al's worried sick about me. Al tends to do that whenever I have a bad night. I wish I could stop worrying him.

And it's things like that that make it hard for me to honestly believe that I suffered in order to help other people. I don't know. I just feel like I harm people more than I help them. I mean, look at me with you. I feel like I've taken so much more from you than given. And I know, you probably want to smack me over the head for saying that. I try not to say these things, really, I do, especially when you and Al get so upset whenever I do. But sometimes, I guess that hitting me over the head only makes me shut up, not actually clear out the emotion that's causing the problem in the first place.

So I guess what I'm trying to figure out is why did I suffer through everything I have? Do I honestly help people? Or did I suffer just because the universe is screwing me over for being such a jackass to everyone? I guess I'm just desperate for answers by this point.

Everyone seems to come to me for answers and comfort these days. I can't claim to understand it. They just all seem to think that I somehow have the answers. Do they not see how I'm just like them? I look at other people, so full of life and opportunity, and I like to think to myself that they can just do _anything_ if they wanted to. It feels like their life is so much... cleaner than mine. Like they have so much more of a chance than I ever could.

I'm sorry for writing to you like this, Win. I probably shouldn't even do anything with this letter once it's done. It'll just make you upset. But I'm so desperate for these answers, I don't know what else to do right now. Maybe by morning, that urge will have died down. Maybe then I can focus on moving forward again instead of looking all around me and wondering what's going on without taking any steps into the future.

The thing is, there's one question weighing the most on my mind right now, especially with all that I've heard people saying about me ever since all that promised day crap that everyone read about. I just can't shake it off, because if the answer is yes, then I can't understand why, but if the answer is no, then it contradicts everyone I've heard from.

But here's my question, Win. Please don't hold back for me, I really, really need to know. But... Do I give people hope?

I can't think of anything more on my mind besides that. You know me better than a lot of people, so you would know how dark my mind can get, how low my self esteem can be. I just can't see why anyone would look to me as some sort of role model or leader or something. I sure as hell don't feel like one. But it seems like more and more, everyday, I have more people who say they owe their life turning around or something to me. _Me_, of all people. _ME._

I just don't get it. Do you know what it is that everyone else is seeing in me? What this projected image is that's making them... I don't know, _love me_ so much? Who am I to them? Why do they trust me?

Guess I'll wrap it up there, for now. I should probably get back to bed, make Al able to stop worrying about me. I can't think of anything more on my mind, anyway. I just want answers. If I do end up letting you see this letter, I really hope I haven't upset you too much. I'm just... lost, I guess. I feel like just an ordinary guy, but it's not like I can live like I'm just an ordinary guy. Sometimes I wish I could, but I would have to unsee everything I've seen until now, and that would make me lose so many friends, so many people I love.

And I guess that deep down, getting rid of any pain I may have gone through isn't worth it for losing all of them. And especially not worth it for losing you or Al. Or both. I don't think I could keep living if I lost you both.

I swear, I'm going to stop writing now. I hope you're okay. And I hope I didn't make you un-okay with all of this. I'll send you lots of hugs, whether you end up seeing this letter or not. I know you can always use lots and lots and lots of hugs. Be safe. I love you.

-Ed

**Anyway, just a little oneshot thing, hope you guys enjoyed it and all. I might seem like a relatively new author, but I've been writing (and reading and editing) fanfiction for years, so I know my way around the block despite my noobishness. Now to just kick myself in the butt and make some stuff to actually post. Heh. Maybe I should invent a butt-kicking machine... Oh, wait, that might distract me from writing. Hm, choices, choices...**


End file.
